102 days Deo volente.

Month: November, 2013

Things has become increasingly difficult for me these past few days. The agony of it; the pain of having to go through certain life experiences.

I want to tell myself to keep holding on, keep holding on to the faith, keep my hope and faith in God.

Yet time and again, I’m feeling lost, helpless and anxious all over again.

I usually start off good but end bad because I have forgotten to hold on to the lessons I’ve learnt in the morning. I’ve forgotten to meditate those bible verses in my head throughout the day. And at night, when I lie in bed, I’m in an insomnia.

I’ve been watching Bubzbeauty vlogz recently (because her videos are a temporary remedy to my frustrations in life and with life itself)

She said something that struck me.

There was this part in the vlog where she showed her book with it’s front cover titled “Today is my day” where she writes down things she’s grateful for the day. And then, she proceeded to saying, “Each day is a chance to love, laugh and to learn.”

I should stop all this nonsense and carry on with life because each day is a chance to love, laugh and to learn. I should never let this chance go to waste.

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If I could turn back time, I would have done many things differently.

Do I regret them? Yes, for now.

But I’m sure all things happen for a reason.

When I look back in the future, I won’t regret a single bit.

 

Thankfulness for the day (TFTD) : Thank God for an older sister (not just any older sister but a caring one too) to continuously guide me in my life.

Anyhoos, I realize that setting aside time for qt was a very difficult thing to do. I think that’s just me.

And yet, God still take the time, energy and the effort and spend it on me.

I understand that we can never give back to God as much as He have given to us.

But to just take 15 minutes from my 24 hours and be serious about qt was just..amazingly difficult and took a lot of determination.

I sometimes had to literally say things out loud to myself to be certain I’m going to do it.

“I will do my quiet time for today”

There you go, finally sat down with a bible in front of me.

A minute passed by and I’m still staring through the bible, with a lot of thoughts in my head.

The loud silence.

It’s so hard to focus on spiritual things, really.

Even as I walk through life, I don’t want to miss out on each lesson my father has to teach me.

Problems are blessings (even though sometimes I’ll be cursing my way through them)

But they make me into who God wants me to be.

And for that, I’m thankful.

See how I can go far off tangent? Back to where I strayed of. So, I had to bring my attention back to focus as I really wanted to hear what my father had to say to me. I read with an open mind. I thought to myself “May I not twist and bend God’s word into something that fits my desire but rather let the Word bend me to fit into God’s desire.” I have yet to master that.

This isn’t a testimony. I think right now, I’m sort of going through a facade. Through a phase in life. Another chapter. A transition. My friend(s) told me “We want the cheerful Carina back!”

Not to worry, my friends. I believe the joyful me will be back for sure. It just takes time.

Right now, it’s just time for the wine to age and for the cheese to be fermented. The process if long, tiring and painful. But when the time is up, I hope to come out of it, tasting real good.

Thank God for a supportive cg where I can just rant and share my problems to them and that they’re willing to listen, help and pray for me and my “life’s baggage”.

Sometimes I wonder if their views of me changed after my rant or after sharing my thoughts and plans. It’s quite hard for me to share my problems sometimes because I’m afraid to be under the judgmental views of others who hears me.

Not sure about others but I have this tendency to judge others. And that’s bad. I hate it when I do that. Trying to change. 😦

Anyhoos, in the midst of sharing I gave this analogy: “You know, my heart is like a little office full of politics”. They laughed and said that statement was cute.

Never occurred to me that it was a cute statement.

Although I never planned to come off as cute, I was surprised that I found pleasure in that compliment of me sounding cute. Oh my.

I really need to socialize more.

I thank God for a good and genuinely concerned neighbor.

She’s not a Christian.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s me you’re thinking about.

 

Hmm.