Day 6.

by Seeall

Been a pretty awesome week but bet it would have been AWESOME-ER if I knew that the darn Aw report was due Week 5 and not this week instead. The thought of work not done was just weighing down all the fun I had this weekend but nevertheless, I had great fun.

Yesterday I participated in my first flash mob ever! I was a part of the Kylie Dance Squad. We flashmobbed at about 2.30 in front of Suria KLCC and it was so fun dancing a well-rehearsed choreo with a huge number of random people in unity. It is like we’re randomly not-so-random, if you get what I mean.

Then, on to friends’ birthday party. Spent quite a huge sum of $ on that but oh wells, since I’ll be graduating soon and I don’t think I’ll have another social outing(s) with her or any of my mates anymore, I agreed painfully but willingly.

Then here come the highlight of the WEEK! Church on Sunday!

I’ve never been really all out in any of my posts throughout my blogging years writing so eagerly about church services on Sunday mornings. To be frank, I actually thought of skipping church today because yesterday was just killer for me (or I’m getting old) and I needed some more sleep. (PIG, yes I know)

But I’m really happy I decided to go to church anyway, despite of my sleep depravity because what pastor had just preached today hits home. I really believe God was speaking to me. I just felt so difficult dealing with sin the past weeks and it doesn’t help either when another sister in Christ walks up to you, asking for the same help you need.

We are all really lost sheep that have gone astray.

I know that sin is terrible but many times, my heart is deceitful and keeps wanting to sin against God. The perfect analogy, as pastor has mentioned in his sermon today, was  that sin is like gravity. It keeps pulling you down and the worst part of all is it’s NATURAL.  It is only natural for us all to sin because we’re fallen men in God’s eyes; we are not able to not sin.

Have you ever tried defying gravity? Well, I have.

Ever since I was little, I have always longed and wanted to fly. I even dreamed of flying. I had strong wings and I was just chilling in the blue sky all day long. The puffy clouds are my bed. The dreams were so surreal that I refuse to wake up. I want to stay in bed and dream all day long because in my dreams – I was free and not bound by gravity.

I feel from my bed with a loud thud on the floor.

“Ouch! Gravity is such a bitch!! “

Life goes on. And until and unless we realize how terrible sin really is, we will fail to understand and appreciate God’s mercy and grace for us. It hasn’t really hit me how terrible sin is, until today. Or at least, I think I might have half-understood it. Gah, I don’t know how to explain it but I guess what I am trying to say here is I’m convinced but not convicted of the destructive nature of sin. I used to think I’m okay and if God comes, wouldn’t he let me in? He would right?

Now, when I think of it from God’s perspective – I don’t think so.

I’m as guilty as any murderer or criminal out there. You have no idea how many people I’ve murdered in my filthy mind. Yes, when you hate you murdered them. I’m really not any better than the wicked people during Noah’s days. Sin has corrupted our nature and no one is exempted from its effects and consequences. The whole humanity is poisoned with sin.

” For no one is put right in God’s sight by doing what the Law requires; what the Law does it so make us know that we have sinned.” (Romans 3:20)

I am spiritually disabled. I am spiritually blind. You mean you need Jesus as your “crutch” to get through life?!

No, he is more, way more than just a crutch.

The weight of the sins of the world was upon His shoulder. Had Jesus not die for us, where would we be right now? What kind of fate would we have? We only deserve damnation to hell and nothing else. Jesus so humbly came down to earth to save my soul. I have nothing yet You gave me everything. There’s nothing else that is of worth to me. I love you Lord, you rescued me. You are all that I want and need.

Pastor did mention the many consequences of sin and one of it was that sin causes us to hate ourselves.

“But I see a different law at work in my body – a law that fights against the law which my mind approves of. It makes me a prisoner to the law of sin which is at work in my body. What an unhappy man I am! Who will resuce me from this body that is taking me to death?” (Romans 7: 23-24)


I don’t think anybody knows it but I have been feeling this way. I hated myself. I scorned at myself. I call myself a Christian but yet, I am not acting like one. I’m sinning away. This was the actual unedited drafted post I wrote on Day 4.

“Truth be told : I’m sick.

I’m sick of everything – from life to uni to friends to the current conditions of myself to everythingelseunderthedamnsun.

Gah.

I really hate myself . I can’t understand how God could love this useless piece of shit like me. But yeah, thank you Lord for accepting me for who I am and always sustaining me with your abouding grace.

“Come just as you are to worship, come just as you are before the Throne. Come. “

Many times I find myself feeling guilty especially in church or in cell group and I dislike that feeling. I can never seem to come to church feeling happy coz if I do well, I just feel so hypocritical knowing that I am here sinning like there’s no tomorrow but there in church I’m all Holy. Wait now, is that the Holy Spirit taunting my conscience? Where is all this guilt coming from? I sin so much and sometimes I just don’t feel very Christiany. I have so many Buddha friends who have such good characters and moral values that its almost as if they were the ones who were Christians. People like these really put me to shame. But like Jo said, it only proves one thing which is humans were created in the likeness of God and it doesn’t matter what race or religion we all are, we are made in God’s image.”

Sad but true. I just didn’t feel that it was worth posting it up here coz’ I figured it wouldn’t made any difference. I felt like nothing was ever going to change or at least it seemed like that guilty feeling was never going to leave me. Interestingly though, I decided not to delete the post but save it as draft instead. I thought to myself that it is always good to keep a record of strong feelings such as these; so that if anything, I’ll have a reference to go back to and realized how God was working in my life. It’s like saving bits and pieces of puzzle pieces so that you can fix them together in the future and hopefully, see a bigger picture that God has painted for me.

A puzzle combination has been made and revealed to me today – I’m a Christian and yes, I do sin because I’m still a sinner and that makes me more in need of God’s grace each and every day of my life. If I really love God, sinning will be less easier. The Holy Spirit guiding us is like the Law of Thermodynamics, allowing us to defy gravity and fly in the sky magnificently. (Excellent analogy again, from my pastor)

The funny thing is that, it’s not that I do not know what Jesus has done for me. I do know but it just hasn’t hit me I guess. Or it might have hit me last time, during peak moments in camps and then when life resumes, everything else drowns Him out and drains me out and eventually, I forgot what was it that hit me in camp. Maybe just faint memories of it but nothing solid.

Shameful isn’t it? He revealed Himself to me so many times already and yet….

Moving on, I really liked Pastors’ story about the man who planted carrots had gotten this huge carrot in his garden and that man brought it to the prince, wanting to give it to him and not expect anything in return. The prince knowing this mans’s heart, then offered him his land so that he can plant and grow more big carrots. Then came along another man (who heard of the story) who brought the finest stallion he has, expecting something in return from the prince. The prince knew this mans’ heart and obviously never gave anything to him.

Do people really seek God? At first I really thought that they were. I see Muslims doing their prayer 5 times a day, faithfully. I see staunch Buddhist trying their very best to follow Buddha’s teaching and way of life so that they’ll eventually reach the stage of enlightenment and escape karma. The same goes for Hindus.

Aren’t all of them really devoted people? I used to pity them and pray to God saying “God, why did you reveal yourself to me instead of them? They are searching endlessly for a living Savior like you but you blinded their eyes so that they can’t see or hear you!”

According to the bible “There is none that understands, there is none that seeks after God…” (Romans 3:11).

I was in shock when Pastor said NO ONE seeks God. We are all like that man who offered the prince his stallion. We will never naturally want to seek God and these religious people are seeking to get something from God not because they were devoted to God. Now that sounds like me. I always go to God when I need something…or rather, only when I need something. Will I be able to love, serve and worship Him for who He is ? Even when my world comes crumbling down, will I be able to sing love songs to Him? I can’t answer that confidently now but I know that true seekers seek God for His true Holiness and I want to be a true seeker of God.

It is very easy for us to lose the desire and passion for and of God because our hearts are not naturally centered on God and Christ.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (John 14:6)

So yeah, unless we accept Jesus back into our hearts and unless the Holy Spirit open our eyes, we may never be able to draw near to God.

Wokays, this has been a really long post and it is already getting late. I could go on forever but for now, let’s just leave it here. I’m just really thankful that Jesus revealed Himself to me again today and release me from the heavy burdened guilt feeling I have been having. I look forward to many more exciting days with my awesome God! 🙂

Day 6 – out.

Things to thank God for : –

Awesome time with friends this weekend
Surprised – postponed Food Preservation report to Week 5! Yay, one week to do it now!

Just that , really.

 

Thank God for more time.

 

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